Beyond the Porch Swing
Today I’m proud to introduce to you all, Asher Jon, our first grandson! On July 19th, at 2:23 a.m., he entered the world healthy, cuddly, and this grandma fell completely in love!
Asher’s birthday landed three weeks before his big sister's, Brynlee Grace, 7th Birthday.
The timing of pregnancies and births was not a coincidence. Over the nine months, God used His timing to remind me that He is the Restorer.
Brynlee’s life and death was like stepping into the foyer of what God wanted to teach me. For seven years after Brynlee passed, God walked our families through five more deep disappointments. Through the tears, He opened my mind to new, aspects of Himself that I would have never experienced without the grief. Pain taught me the sweetness of God, and the power of His gospel.
If history happens to repeat itself, I hope I’ll remember what I’ve learned. Please don’t think I’ve “arrived”! Likely I’ll have to re-learn and re-read what I’ve written. I’m trusting God’s faithfulness to pull me through all future trials, but at the same time, I'm not anxious to experience them.
Back to the Babies!
The events of their births were similar, yet very different.
Brynlee’s birth date was determined by a c-section. Asher’s date was also scheduled, but he came at his own time.
Both births were awaited with hope.
Brynlee
Even though we knew Brynlee wasn’t predicted to live, we still hoped. All the family was there. Sitting in a nearby waiting room, we saw a nurse wheel an incubator down the hall. I remember someone saying, or maybe I thought it, “I wonder if that’s for Brynlee.” We prayed, hoped, sat, and waited. After the verbal prayers ended, the inner pleading continued. “Lord, Father, we know You can heal. You are I Am. You are the Great Physician. Please grant Brynlee life. Please strengthen her precious parents.”
Some time later, we saw the nurse returning. She was pushing the same incubator. It was empty.
I don’t remember who came to inform us, but we were told that Brynlee Grace only lived a few minutes. We would be able to see Brynlee and hold her, but her parents wanted some time alone with her first.
As my heart tore and tears ran, I wondered about my daughter and son-in-law. How were they handling this? Were they sobbing? Just days ago, the little life that expanded my daughter’s belly, seemed so tangible. We enjoyed feeling her movements. I loved watching the ultrasounds and trying to read her personality. Now, she was gone. The pregnancy was very strenuous on my daughter. I remember asking her how she felt towards the end, and she replied, “I’m miserable. But every day I feel lousy is one more day I get to have my daughter with me.” The absence of that cherished life, now left emptiness.
Asher
Asher’s pre-birth days were quite different.
With this pregnancy, my daughter experienced the average amount of discomfort. And, instead of wanting time to move slower in order to keep her baby longer, she was eager for her little boy’s arrival!
The phone rang at 1:30 a.m. I pull myself out of a deep sleep wondering who my husband was talking to. As I heard the words "water" and "breaking" , I smiled to myself. It was time!
Around 4:00 we received a text and photo. Asher Jon arrived and he was healthy! The feeling of promise overcame me. A picture of their family of two becoming a family of three filled my mind. I felt the rightness of the situation. It held peace, hope, and future.
Brynlee
A nurse came to lead us, the entire family, into our children’s hospital room. I was expecting to see my daughter and son-in-law with red, swollen eyes, instead, I saw peace. In fact, peace filled the room. This may seem weird and maybe it was just in my head, but the room had the lingering aroma of heavenly beings. The omnipotence of God was felt. The thought of Jesus greeting Brynlee in this room, holding her in His arms, she being safe, loved, healed, and carried by Him to her forever home, made it a holy place. As we all took turns holding her beautiful, precious body, the awareness of God’s glory was overwhelming. The experience was sacred.
“When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!” And Moses said, “Here I am.” “Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.”
Exodus 3:4-5 NIV
Asher
Oh what a day!
I'm the one responsible for us not spending the rest of the night “sleeping” in the hospital parking lot. I actually did fall back asleep, but Kev paced. He was ready to hit the road! Why I was so calm, I’m not sure. I just had a feeling this new family needed and wanted alone time, especially since Asher picked his own birthday. The calmness seemed important after the hurried chaos of an unexpected delivery date.
I would have liked to be knocking on the hospital room door by 8:30 a.m, but we decided to bring them lunch instead. And even though I was concerned about my daughter and son-in-law, my mind was on my new grandson!
Entering the room was delightful! Joy, anticipation, newness, and God’s hand of mercyful blessing was present. The first time I held my grandson was a bit surreal, he was with us! We’d get to learn his personality! We’d get to see him grow! Our family dynamics took a turn down a new road. What a privilege! God didn’t have to, but He chose to give us a huge, blessing.
Picking a word for the year is something Kevin and I have practiced for the past five years. I think the word is supposed to change. For me it wasn't a single word, but a phrase, and it’s stayed the same for four years. The phrase is, “when the fullness of time had come”.
“But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law,”
Galatians 4:4 ESV
The gospel; God’s plan to put us in right relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus. He gave us pictures of His plan through Adam, Noah, Abraham, Joseph, David, Ruth, Esther and the list goes on. People have waited. We wait. Even creation waits.
“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against it's will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)”
Romans 8:18-25 NLT
The gospel, the fullness of time, has brought me to tears in conviction. The core question uncovered is…
“Do I trust God?”
So many times I do what looks to be right on the outside, but on the inside I’m manipulating. How do I know if I’m manipulating? Am I not responsible to make the most with what I have available?
“The fullness of time.”
Who really is in charge? I may not like the disappointments God allowed me to experience, but He has a plan. He sees a perspective that I can’t even imagine. He knows who He wants when and why. Does a lump of clay dictate its shape to the Potter?
“Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ Does your work say, ‘The potter has no hands’?”
Isaiah 45:9 NIV
Asher’s birth cemented the awareness of God’s purpose in me. For some reason, a reason I may or may not see, God wants Asher in this world. Why He wanted the other babies to be brought to Heaven, I don’t know. I do know His love and desire to benefit us is so great that He doesn’t allow us to suffer without a purpose. It’s a way we can be part of His redemptive story. No it isn’t always fun, but Jesus’s part in our redemptive story wasn’t fun either.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Galatians 2:20 NIV
Oh Friend, we know when we’re manipulating instead of trusting. Stopping to bow before who God is, softens our hearts and opens our eyes to see the truth of who we are, and helps us acknowledge our motives. After that comes the choice to fight truth or bow and rest in it.
I’ve fought to submit, and praise be to the mercy of God, He allows it. But also praise to His mercy, His Spirit is faithful and He keeps calling me back. He opens my “heart eyes” because of who He is, what He has done, who He says I am, and I submit.
God’s timing. Do I really trust God or do I feel like I’m the one in charge? Who’s really in charge?
“When the fullness of time had come….”
Praise You Father for Your mercy! As crazy as it sounds, thank You for over seven years of struggle. You are so faithful. You’ve shown me Your power to create, to enable, to prevent, and to provide. Thank You for hearing my pleas, but making me wait. I’d like to say I’ve learned and I’ll immediately trust next time, but I know I’m weak, You know I’m weak. Thank You, because of You I can be strong.
Thank You for the gospel. Thank You that You even want to be in relationship with me! You are good. You are faithful. You are hope. You are future.
Praise You because You are The I Am.
Amen.
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