Face to Face

Beyond the Porch Swing

Hi Friends!

I hope you and your family had a wonderful Easter, rejoicing over Jesus’s resurrection together.   Most of our family was able to attend our family gathering, and we had a great day!

Thank you for your prayers last week.  I was able to slow down and listen to the Holy Spirit's prompting me to write from the heart and in truth.  So here’s continuing my story….

Wednesday (April 17th) marked the seven year anniversary, of being told our granddaughter would not live. Quite honestly, my journal entry informed me of the day.  Without my entry, I’d wouldn’t have known, because I have no memory of that day. I don’t know if our daughter phoned, telling us the news, or if we met them somewhere.  I don’t know where I was standing or sitting. Did I cry? I just don’t remember. I do remember the shock. I felt like the first emotional wound was clawed open, causing the pain to burn even greater.  The rest, my brain blocked.

In my journal entry, I recorded the doctors thought she had OI type 2.  Her bones weren’t developing so her ribs couldn’t form, and without ribs, her lungs couldn’t develop.  My granddaughter wouldn’t survive outside the womb.

Also, from my journal entry, I get a sense of anger.  I wrote:

“Oh, God!  Are we not suppose to pray for the longings of our heart?  So many have been asking You for her health, yet she’s worse off than last month!

Why do You ask us to pray?  To humble us? To allow us to submit to Your authority?  You see the big picture, I know that! But…. I want to say it isn’t fair, but I know fairness would get me sent straight to Hell.  I’m not seeing the magnitude of Your greatness. Oh God forgive my pride and unbelief. Open my eyes to Truth.”

Instead of focusing in on something I don’t remember, I want to dig into “Why do You ask us to pray?”  I’m thinking the more exact question is; Why do You ask us to pray when it doesn’t seem to do any good?

Now you know why I needed your prayers!

 A dear friend told me, if why we should pray had an easy answer, there wouldn’t be so many books written about it.  I can’t say I felt super encouraged by her statement. Overwhelmed and inadequate is a more accurate description. So, I went outside to “pound the pavement”  while I also pounded out the question with God.

His answer;  speak the truth and share your heart.   My truthful answer is….“I don’t know”.

Before you say “well that wasn’t helpful” and click out of here, God also said, tell them what prayer means to you now.  Tell what you’re learning. That’s something I do know.

I’m learning to pray out of obedience.

As a child, when dad asked me to do something, if I asked “why?”, he often responded “because I said so”.  I hated his answer. But today, I’m grateful for it. Sometimes we have to obey even when we don’t understand why.  His response taught me to respect authority. Of course, blind obedience without discernment isn’t wise, but my dad didn’t ask me to do things causing harm or wrong.  Neither does God, my Father, ask me to do things causing harm or wrong. He does tell me to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thes. 5:17). So I pray, trusting His purpose, not knowing  His reason.

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:1-8‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/pro.3.1-8.esv

I’m learning to request things in submission to His will.

God isn’t a genie in the sky.  When our girls were younger, they would ask for so many things.  I tried to say “yes” and give them their requests, but sometimes it would’ve been foolish to do so.  Of course they didn’t understand, because their request was limited by their view of their circumstance.  From my perspective, I’m still glad they asked! Their requests gave me a picture of their heart. It revealed what they enjoyed.  Insecurities peeked out in requests for things which usually bored them. They were trying to fit in, to feel accepted. The people they asked to hang out with, revealed who’s opinion they valued or who they idolized.

The same goes for God.  However, His overarching view is far broader than mine, spanning from before time into eternity.  Plus, everything is pre-purposed and organized!

 I can choose how I respond.  Anger over not getting what I want sends me from God sulking.  I get intimidated because why would Someone so big care about me?  Many things stand in the way of praying. Or, I can remember He’s my Father.  As my parent, He loves me and will do everything to enable me to prosper. At times, He’ll answer no which stretches my trust.  Sometimes He is silent and I learn perseverance through waiting. He allows me to suffer pain and loss. Then God, through His Spirit, holds me, letting me feel His presence and His sweetness.   When I’m rejected or abandoned, He reminds me He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬

W ‭29:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/jer.29.11.esv

This verse holds a great promise, but knowing the “behind the scene” details is required for a proper perspective.   God spoke this promise as He allowed Babylon to capture Israel. Seventy years of slavery and death followed. I’m sure God’s message didn’t ring loud and clear from their perspective.   Yet, those years of slavery still shape history today, but they had no clue!

I’m  learning to pray for direction.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”
‭‭James‬ ‭1:5-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.5-8.niv

God delights in leading me!   And when I really want to know His next step for me, He’s generous in His response.  I’m a rather “squeaky” child of His, and, as the squeaky wheel gets the oil, He hears my opinions regularly.  However, I remember who He is and I remember who I am. Also, I realize when He directs me, I then need to do what He says otherwise I’m “double-minded and unstable” in all I do. And this leads to..

I’m learning to pray requires listening.

Listening develops from worship.  I’d describe worship as the position of my heart in submission, my mind focused on God, and my eyes aware of things hidden or camouflaged around me.  Worship can happen anywhere. Anytime I see God and my heart rejoices in Him, is worship.

 I can’t force worship.  Sin and worship do not walk hand in hand.  When I’m honest with myself, I know when I’m ignoring God and shoving Him in a closet.  Spending time doing emotional digging, confession, and gratitude, is a must.

While worshiping, God has given me pictures reflecting Himself or analogies of what He’s doing (example: the cardinal in my blog #4).  When I ask Him the meaning of Bible passages, He gives insight. Other times He places convictions of unrest or gives me peace. His response isn’t always immediate but over time.  Watching while waiting as I weigh out the difference between emotion and conviction, truth and lies. His communication methods vary. Sometimes it’s a feeling of His peace, a scripture verse, and a few times He’s almost audible.  A speaking to the soul. Yesterday, after a long walk talking and listening together, I felt like I had just enjoyed a coffee date with an incredibly dear friend. My Friend who knows more ugly things about me than I do about myself, but still really enjoys spending time with me.  

So what’s the use praying?  And does it do any good?

“"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:7-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/mat.7.7-11.esv

God doesn’t give me everything I ask for, but He has given me a lot of Himself.  

And that my friends, is why I pray.  And does prayer doing any good? Oh my, yes!  It has changed me and continues changing me! It’s opened my eyes and ears to know God.  And there’s so much more of Him to know!!! Yes, the news of my granddaughter blinded me in pain, I can’t even remember those days.  Yes, I wish I could watch her grow up, creating fun grandma memories together. But instead, another opportunity developed, a re-evaluation opportunity of my relationship with God.  And, like I said, I get squeaky, in order to spare people my rants and complaints, I dumped them on God. He never tired of them and He’s heard a lot! Then He started teaching me about listening.

Oh Father, I am so grateful for You!  

I’m sorry for even thinking that prayer doesn’t do any good!  As if my way is the good way. As if I set the world’s standards.

Your patience astounds me.  As if I’m wiser than You! As if You exists for my glory instead of me existing for Yours.

Your hand is gentle.   You meet me in pain. You hold me even when I’m stubborn against You!

Thank You that You’re for me and not against me.

You’re faithful to me even when I am unfaithful to You.

Thank You that life is about more than what I can see on this earth (Eph 3:20).  Through Your power, precious Spirit, You work in me, shaping and creating a depth in my character that is more precious than gold (1 Peter 1:7).

Please do not leave me to myself.  I need You!

I praise and worship You.

Amen.