Beyond the Porch Swing

	4:31 PM (8 minutes ago)

Letting Go

When all our kids come visit, we love to go do things.  This Christmas, my husband arranged for us all to go ax throwing.  We had a great time laughing with and at each other as we missed the target.  One of our boards became so splintered, causing the ax to bounce off and fly every which way.  We were very grateful for the wire barriers that protected us from these wayward weapons! After a few rounds, we all began to get a feel for how to flip our wrists in order to actually hit the target and even land on the center!  Then we would clap and cheer our appreciation of the throwers skill.

I see a correlation between ax throwing and grief.  Sometimes we have so much coming at us that we feel splintered and it’s impossible to imagine hurting even more.  We feel like nothing will ever be okay. We feel useless, like everything good just bounces away from us and lands in someone else’s territory. Other times we feel aimed for, thrown at and pinned.  The ax stabs in deep and it’s stuck. Sometimes we’re in the center of the target and other times in the surrounding area, but still on the board.

With their unborn baby predicted to die, my daughter and son-in-law sat in the bulls-eye.  I would place myself on the line, between the center and the surrounding white line. Remembering my previous times on the target board enabled me, even in this location, a vantage point.  Age and life allowed a bit of perspective. However, this was the first time one of my children sat in the center with a very big, sharp ax jamming into her. She’d been on the board before, but I’d call it a dart board, and though things felt painful, this was crippling.  This was an ax. I watched this dear young couple deal with their individual axes, wondering if they would pull through. I ached because I couldn’t fix or even ease their pain, I could only watch.

“I have cried until the tears no longer come; my heart is broken. My spirit is poured out in agony as I see the desperate plight of my people. Little children and tiny babies are fainting and dying in the streets. They cry out to their mothers, “We need food and drink!” Their lives ebb away in the streets like the life of a warrior wounded in battle. They gasp for life as they collapse in their mothers’ arms. What can I say about you? Who has ever seen such sorrow? O daughter of Jerusalem, to what can I compare your anguish? O virgin daughter of Zion, how can I comfort you? For your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?”
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭2:11-13‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://www.bible.com/116/lam.2.11-13.nlt

These verses describe my feelings as I watched my daughter and son-in-law’s faith get tested and stretched to a very thin thread. Knowing my granddaughter would die hurt me deeply, but the pain I saw in my children made me feel raw.

4/28/2012 journal entry;

“Oh Lord, what a journey!  The pain of spirit is so great.  To feel my own pain is bearable, but to hear Timaree and Jonathan’s is so hard!  Oh God! All day my heart has been communing in worship with You, Oh Please hear my prayer!  Oh Please make Your sweetness known to them!

“The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:17-18‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/psa.145.17-18.esv

Please give them a vision of comfort!  It is Your kindness that brings us to You, so open their eyes to Your kindness!   I want it tonight, but I know from the past, that life change happens over time, as You slowly reveal Yourself.

Oh, God!  Help me to trust You!  This is a bad nightmare that doesn’t go away.  Only in focusing on You is there joy.”

How does a parent watch their child suffer?  

“You could start by removing the ax.”

Could I?  That’s a normal response but it still leaves the board with deep gouges and splinters.  The problem isn’t solved. Besides, how can I prevent another ax from coming?

Maybe I should have hidden the board in a closet, protecting it from ever being harmed?

Really?  What’s the use of an item left untouched and hidden?  Those items usually get sold at garage sales.

No, I needed to let go of my children.   I needed to let them feel the ax, have the gouges, and be full of splinters.

How does a parent let go of their child?  

How does a parent let go of their child and watch as God does His molding and shaping in their lives?  

I didn’t like His plan for shaping them, it scared me.  I was scared for them! The phrase “Let go and let God” gets flippantly dished out, but it isn’t a flippant thing at all!   Yet what good is hanging on? Me trying to control them and their viewpoints only put riffs in our relationship and we had enough pain, more wasn’t needed.

But how do I let go of something my heart is wrapped around?

“So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭18:3-4‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/jer.18.3-4.esv

I imagine myself watching the Potter.  He has a vessel formed out of the clay which I think looks great, but He picks it up, smashes the clay, and re throws it.  I’m confused. What did He see wrong with the vessel He’d made? Why did He start over?

I stand watching.  One hand forms around the clay, as the other drips water on it.  I see the water refresh the clay preventing cracks as His hands continues to squeeze and mold.  A shape starts forming. Already I can see this one is far more elaborate than the original He started with.  I stand amazed as I see His skill. His vision and insight astound me.

If the lump of clay could talk, it would say the molding process hurt.  It’d be especially painful if water wasn’t continually dripped on it. Water is key to the shaping.  Too much water makes mush, not enough causes cracks. My control is like the wrong amount of water. Though I may have some insight, how much or how little I should add is always in question.  Instead, the best solution requires trusting the skilled potter.

Letting go requires trust.  

Trust, an easy word to overlook.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/pro.3.5-7.esv

I’m very familiar with this verse and I catch myself saying, “oh yeah, I know that one.”  But do I really? What does trust mean?

Webster description

1 a : firm belief in the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : a person or thing in which confidence is placed. 2 a : confident hope b : financial credit <bought furniture on trust>
Definition of trust - Merriam-Webster's Student …

If the Potter in the Jeremiah passage represents God, and His character, ability, and strength are proven true by viewing His work, and I’m not trusting, a hard question needs asking.

“Who is my God?”

I ask myself this often.  Sometimes I’m my own god, or I’ve put a dream or a goal in God’s place.  Sometimes he’s small and weak, and I realize I’ve put God in a box of my own limitations, making me again god.

Who’s really the true God?

If He’s who He says He is, then isn’t He, the Potter?  Doesn’t His skill make Him trustworthy? Wouldn’t it be wise to trust Him?

If trusting in God is what we’re to do, than not trusting in Him is sin.  Honestly, I sin more than I care to admit. I think I’m trusting Him until I’m faced with something hard and scary.  My mind scurries around, hunting for ways I can fix and change things (removing the ax). I want to blame someone or something.  I think how unfair life is and I start comparing which makes me angry. My self self pity takes over. All that results from not trusting.  No wonder letting go is so hard! I’m not trusting because I have the wrong god!

So what helps me make the choice to trust God?

The Potters skill.

He sees things I cannot see.

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭14:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/pro.14.12.esv

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭55:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/isa.55.8.esv

“"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.”
‭‭Job‬ ‭38:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/job.38.4.esv

When I take time to really see the things God has done, my heart fills with awe.  I stand in respect of His plan, even though I still feel pain. I’m filled with gratitude for the “drops of water” He dribbles on those I love, and myself, to keep us from turning into mush, or cracking under the strain.  I realize His molding is slow and gentle as we move through the shaping process. He’s trustworthy and I can put my children into His hands.

We may still be on the target board, but my viewpoint of the board changes.  I start seeing God stories develop. Stories of growth. Stories of victory. I can let go, stand back and watch, as what I once thought as perfect, takes on a new shape.  One displaying depth of character, ability and strength. One that reflects the skill of the Potter. Focusing on God’s trustworthiness creates in me trust and I can let go.

I don’t like suffering or watching those I love suffer and letting go of my children is just one area requiring trust.   My lack of trust in God causes me to hang on to many things that bind me. Things like my want for comfort, for security, or just to have my own way which of course is best.  I often try and remove circumstances with the false belief that a new situation will fix the problem. It doesn’t, because the circumstances don’t dictate the problems, the problem dictates the circumstances.   The problem can be eliminated when I have a proper view of God. A proper view of God develops trust. Trust allows me to let go of those things that have me bound.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1-2‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/heb.12.1-2.esv

I’m so grateful that Jesus didn’t just remove the ax!

Who is your God?  The answer to this affects all areas of life.

Oh Father,

You’re so magnificent!  

I confess my sin of unbelief.  I’m sorry I trust in my limited abilities and wisdom even as Your power is revealed all around me.

Things don’t make sense to me but that doesn’t matter, I’m not in charge.  You are. Every morning You raise the sun, I just have to get up and choose.  

I choose to see You for who You are.

I choose to trust You.

Thank You for the blessings You drop on me.  At times I may think the blessing may only be You, but You are enough.  My loved ones and I can be cracked and splintered, with deep gouges full of pain, but You, the living water (John 4:10) soak into those grooves.  You soften not only the clay, but the splinters on the target board. Your water fills in the gouges. May I let You soak in and do Your work.

You said You’d give wisdom when I sincerely ask (Jeremiah 29:13), so I ask for wisdom.  Wisdom to remember You didn’t remove the ax of Your death on the cross for me. Therefore, I also won’t remove the axes You allow in my life.  Wisdom to realize that running from pain is a belief in a false god, claiming human security. Give me wisdom to stand strong through the pits and gouges of life, realizing that I’ll get to see aspects of Your power and skill that I would otherwise miss if I turn away.  

Jesus.

You are so good.  You are so faithful.  Thank You for making me Your child!  Thank You that You are Trustworthy!

Amen!

(Part 2 of “Letting Go” coming in a few weeks!)